Oftentimes, we think we’ve made our frustrations and unmet needs crystal clear to the human(s) we are considering cutting out of our lives…

And, in facilitating many of these conversations, I’ve seen just how much two people who think they have clearly communicated have, well, NOT.

A container setting conversation is one that (re)defines the boundaries of a relationship, so both parties have a mutual understanding of how they will/will not act when they are in relationship with one another.

These conversations are often needed after a significant role change has occurred in a relationship.

For example, many relationship “ruptures” occur between a parent and adult child when the child becomes a parent themselves.

There are now 3 individuals in entirely different roles-

• the parent becomes a grandparent
• the child becomes a parent, and
• the new soul takes the role of child

When this happens, unspoken expectations and assumptions in the relationship often create serious issues.

Having a conversation is key when these role changes occur, and is most effective when held at an agreed upon time- where both/all parties are able to calmly communicate and re-establish boundaries and needs.

If you’ve attempted these conversations many times, and your loved one is unwilling to engage- it may be time to consider a short term/long term distance trial (see question 5).

(NOTE: Not sure how to set up and make it through a boundary setting conversations without a fight? Invitation to attend our upcoming Masterclass Agree to Disagree, and learn how!)

When we decide to go no-contact, sometimes we hold off due to fear of consequences, including:

• The person talking about us negatively to our mutual connections (making us out to be the “bad guy”)
• The person publicly sharing their feelings about our decision (creating “drama”)
• The person’s attempts of further harm (retaliation), and/or
• The person’s repeated attempts to “get around” our no-contact decision (violation of boundaries)

If you are considering going no-contact, it is helpful to have a plan for how you will handle it if any of these things happen, and how you will stay as regulated as possible.

Ensuring you have a support system who can help you process the estranged person’s behavior will help you stay firm in your decision.

Sometimes, we think that the only 2 options are to stay connected and tolerate a loved one’s harmful behavior, OR disconnect fully- and neither of those feel great!

In her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Dr. Lindsay Gibson talks about a 3rd option- relating to our parents (or other loved ones) instead of trying to force a more intimate/close relationship.

This allows us to stay regulated by simply observing our loved ones’ actions, instead of getting emotionally involved and experiencing dysregulation.

Gibson writes,

“Observing allows you to stay in a state of relatedness with your parents or other loved ones without getting caught up in their emotional tactics and expectations about how you should be….

In relatedness, there’s communication but no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange. You stay in contact, handle others as you need to, and have whatever interactions are tolerable without exceeding the limits that work for you.”

It’s one thing when we decide to go no-contact with a relative or close connection- but what about when other people DON’T make the same decision?

I’ve worked with many couples where one partner decides to go no-contact with a parent or relative, and pressures the other partner to make the same decision.

And, the flip side of this scenario is also common- sometimes, we struggle to go no-contact or have a container-setting conversation with a family member, even when the humans around us consistently try to get us to do so.

Whether you’re frustrated that the people close to you are comfortable staying connected to the person from whom you decided to disconnect, OR you’re feeling pressured to go no-contact by others-

Every adult involved gets to decide with whom they stay connected, and how those connections look.

And as for children? Their legal guardians get to call the shots.

If, as a parent, you decide your children will not be seen by certain family members-

That is your prerogative, and you do not owe any an explanation for that decision (who is not also your child’s guardian).

Going no-contact can mean different things to different people.

For some, simply blocking the person from communication through social media/email/texting is sufficient; for others, avoiding locations where they may be expected to interact with the person or moving further away may be desired.

And for some, a legal arrangement like a restraining order may even be desired to protect one's boundaries.

Having a defined plan that is communicated to everyone who is closely involved will make things easier to enforce.

At the end of the day, only you know if going no contact is the most aligned short/long term decision for your and your loved ones’ well being-

AND

We’ve found that learning how to make these decisions from a regulated, calmer nervous system state is crucial.

Being able to stay regulated during tough and emotional conversations and effectively set boundaries can often eliminate the need to go fully “no-contact” with the humans who trigger/hurt us the most.

That’s why we have decided to host our next masterclass, Agree to Disagree, on this very topic.

You can learn more about the Agree to Disagree Masterclass HERE.

(Note: We do NOT advocate for people currently experiencing any type of physical or mental abuse to stay in relationship with those who are actively hurting/harming them.

If you are in a situation where you are experiencing abuse, please go to The National Domestic Violence Hotline for further resources and support)